This week has been a very hard one for me, emotionally. A friend, who shared a due date with me, lost her baby earlier this week (at almost 16 weeks). This was her third miscarriage, and I know I wasn't the only one praying fervently that this little one would grow healthy and strong and LIVE!
So not only was it heartbreaking to hear that she had miscarried, but I must admit that I have been angry. Angry at God for letting this happen, for not letting her baby live, for letting down her 6 year old daughter who had prayed this baby into existance. I know God is all-knowing and He knows what is best for all of us, and lets us experience hard times to grow us, but part of me is just mad. Why does she (and her family) have to go thru this hurt all over again?
I've been struggling with guilt too. Why do I get to walk around with my massively huge (or at least it feels that way!) pregnant belly when hers is now empty? I've seen her "across the way" a few times in the last few days, and while part of me wants to just go hug her and cry with her, even more of me wants to just turn invisible. I feel like I am this (ever increasingly) large reminder to her of what she's lost. And I'm ashamed/guilty to ever come into her line of vision (which of course, I can't avoid, living on a small center and being in the same Bible study and all that).
I don't always understand. Almost all of my friends have either gone thru a miscarriage or struggled with infertility at some level. It's so hard sometimes to walk around pregnant with a not-intentionally-planned gift, when so many of my friends are grieving and struggling.
Anyway, I guess I've vented enough for now.
Rocky Mountain National Park (Colorado part II)
3 weeks ago
As someone on "the other side," let me try to alleviate your guilt. We don't hold it against you. :) I can only imagine your awkwardness, but while there will of course be tinges of sadness in your friend whenever she sees you, I'm sure your hugs and tears and presence and perhaps even acknowledgement of the humanly perceived injustice of it all will be much more helpful. Whether she sees you or not, she still will be wrestling with God over it.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, this is the only post I can see the words to. The others I can see the photos, which are cute, but I don't know what you said about them.:( It might be my browser, but I was wondering if anyone else had this problem?...